Sometimes it feels the world is falling apart for you. You cry like a kid even though you know it's not going to help. You try to think but it seems that your brain has emptied and there is no thought formation. You try to rationalize and all that comes out of it is irrationality you first started out with. It seems you have no more road in front of you. It seems you are standing at the top of a cliff and you say to yourself "This is IT" ...
I had sent the above lines to my friend for review, and she said, "Actually, first your mind will be flooded by a thousand thoughts when you try to make sense out of something that you will not know which one to take and which one to leave and then after this flooding you will reach the state of no thought formation, not before that". I thought for few minutes and I replied back to her as " yeah you are right, I have gone through what you said many times !!!"
But it got me thinking, it had happened to me a few times, but in actuality, I am not flooded by a thousand thoughts every time I try to think. I started putting up all my good and bad experiences in life so far, trying to remember the time when I was flooded by thoughts, and not to my surprise, I did not get many, not even close to five.
I realized that, I don't make sense, even for a minute, when I try to think. When I try to think, all I do is curse myself for whatever I have done which leads to self loathing and there I stop thinking and that's it. So is this what is called thinking? If not what is this? And why did I reply back the way I did? Well that's a different story altogether.
Finally after a long contemplation, came to the conclusion that I cannot think, I mean I cannot think rationally at all. I used to think that, I think too much and that is my biggest problem in life but the actual problem is, it's worrying and not thinking that I do. So all the thoughts I thought I was thinking are actually gibberish which make my thoughts empty...
So, trying hard to segregate thinking from worrying which will make life much simpler !!! is it not? :)
An Act of goodness :D
It was a sunny day... went out to feel good by having a tender coconut. I got more than I had asked for.
ಒಂದು ಗಂಜಿ ಕೊಡಿ ಅಂತ ಕೇಳ್ದೆ (Asked for a tender coconut with a bit of pulp). He chopped one among the heap. Water was sweet and it felt good in the hot sun. After I drained the water, he cut opened the coconut and I was having the thick 'ಗಂಜಿ' (pulp), when he chopped another coconut and handed it to me. I was like, "ನಾನ್ ಒಂದೇ ಕೇಳಿದ್ದು" (I just asked for one) and I was overwhelmed when he said "ಅದ್ರಲ್ಲಿ ಬರಿ ಗಂಜಿ ಇತ್ತು, ನೀರು ತುಂಬ ಕಮ್ಮಿ, ಇದನ್ನ ತಗೋಳಿ" (It just had pulp no water, take this). I felt good after a very long time. And he took the money for just one coconut.
In this cynical world full of cynics, I felt blessed to be bestowed upon by an act of goodness which even I would have not considered doing. During my college days, I would get up and leave my seat whenever a pregnant woman or women with children or somebody old and feeble would be standing in bus. Nowadays, while travelling by bus I just gaze out of the window and not even look on the other side in order to avoid giving up my seat. In my defense I say to myself "Oh come on, it has been a long day and I am tired too" but whatever the reason it does not feel right and my conscience hurts.
I hope that I shall not turn into a total cynic because there are people out there like the coconut vendor who are still doing GOOD :)
Thoughts of a Fool
I was thinking ... Kept thinking ... And then finally decided to start blogging.
I did not know what I could put down in my blog. You see, as Joey says in "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" - "It seems I don't have enough thoughts to think about", it seems that, I too don't have anything substantial to write about (BTW I am huge fan of FRIENDS :P). But, its my dream to be an 'accomplished' writer someday :P. So, I thought - "let me start by putting down whatever teeny weeny thoughts I have on to the virtual paper atleast" :P and here I am. ( Hoping that, I will continue this seriously as its my habit to delete everything. Till now, I have created and deleted maybe some 5 blogs). Hence, I request you all to read my blog ( meaning, bear my words ) and be my critics so that I can fulfill my dream one day :P ...
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