Ever seen a cloud in the sky with a silver lining? Its is a picture that's still imprinted on my neural system which left me awed by its beauty. It was that day, when I understood the analogy of "Every cloud has a silver lining" to real life.
I am a pessimist by nature. I admire people who are optimistic but I never by myself have dared or even tried to be an optimist. Whenever I am given a situation my graph is always on the negative y-axis counting the negativities of the outcome. The balance in my hand for any task has more negative points to it than positives. But that cloud in the sky was oh so beautiful! and made me think, that maybe there is That One Day in everyones life when life seems beautiful, that you are awed by its beauty and you will get to tell "Yes, Every dog has its day :P".
Its a hard life if you are a pessimist ( I know that :P ) and harder to turn into an optimist (I know that too :P ). But maybe every cloud does have a silver lining and that day may be a pessimist will turn into an optimist or
maybe just that my graph is going positive now :) ...
Remember the First Time? ;)
It was foul smelling ( I thoguht I would puke)... I crinched and she frowned everytime we took a sip of that liquid... Our aim was to get high and speak non-sense as they do in the movies, so we gulped the so called alocohol to reach that goal ... I could not go beyond one mug and she had two glasses ... but, alas we did not get high and could not consume anymore of that liquid... This is how my most recent first-time was ...
Well, there is a first time for everything we do ;) ... And I remember the first time I did all kinds of things ... The first time I got a 100/100 :P ( I know what you are thinking - "show off", but still, I remember it ).. The first time I carried a chit to the test in order to copy from it and was sweating so profusely out of fear that I din't even see a word written on it and that was the last time :P ... The first time I spoke on stage (and cried later for forgetting all the words) .. The first time I did a night-out tarvelling in a bus to mysore and then back, just for the sake of a night out... The first time I left home for my school in Kittur ...The list goes on ...
Now, coming to the point, fast forwarding the list to my most recent first time experience... The first time I tasted alcohol :) ... It was labelled 'Nilaya' and green in colour, got specially from Pondicherry :) (real reason - the alcohol is cheaper there) for me and my friend from another dear friend ( well he was in pondicherry that time acidentally so). My first thought when I saw the sleek greenish bottle was 'wine is red or white .. why is this green?' (It was that particular green which actually seems like the coulour of puke)...
Me and my friend had a deal in college - that we will booze one fine day and see what the fuss is all about before we finish college... but as usual we could not ... So, till recently, even after the bottle was in my hand, the wait got longer as my friend had to finish her GATE (The Exam) on Feb 14th :P .. Then came our D Day - when we had our wine in a coffee mug and a steel cup :P with lots of chips (an advice from the dear friend who got us the wine)...
We still had half of the bottle full, after our two people booze party (btw we had consumed all the chips by then) ...The next day I flushed the remaining liquid in toilet ( I had no other go - See, I stay alone in a single room and if my mom sees that thing when she comes over I guess she will die of heart-attack)...
To be honest guys... It does not taste good... It does not feel good... it is expensive... So I still do not get what the fuss is all about ...
Even though I did not get high, I vaugely remember that I had alcohol - An experience of a lifetime, or was it?
Well, there is a first time for everything we do ;) ... And I remember the first time I did all kinds of things ... The first time I got a 100/100 :P ( I know what you are thinking - "show off", but still, I remember it ).. The first time I carried a chit to the test in order to copy from it and was sweating so profusely out of fear that I din't even see a word written on it and that was the last time :P ... The first time I spoke on stage (and cried later for forgetting all the words) .. The first time I did a night-out tarvelling in a bus to mysore and then back, just for the sake of a night out... The first time I left home for my school in Kittur ...The list goes on ...
Now, coming to the point, fast forwarding the list to my most recent first time experience... The first time I tasted alcohol :) ... It was labelled 'Nilaya' and green in colour, got specially from Pondicherry :) (real reason - the alcohol is cheaper there) for me and my friend from another dear friend ( well he was in pondicherry that time acidentally so). My first thought when I saw the sleek greenish bottle was 'wine is red or white .. why is this green?' (It was that particular green which actually seems like the coulour of puke)...
Me and my friend had a deal in college - that we will booze one fine day and see what the fuss is all about before we finish college... but as usual we could not ... So, till recently, even after the bottle was in my hand, the wait got longer as my friend had to finish her GATE (The Exam) on Feb 14th :P .. Then came our D Day - when we had our wine in a coffee mug and a steel cup :P with lots of chips (an advice from the dear friend who got us the wine)...
We still had half of the bottle full, after our two people booze party (btw we had consumed all the chips by then) ...The next day I flushed the remaining liquid in toilet ( I had no other go - See, I stay alone in a single room and if my mom sees that thing when she comes over I guess she will die of heart-attack)...
To be honest guys... It does not taste good... It does not feel good... it is expensive... So I still do not get what the fuss is all about ...
Even though I did not get high, I vaugely remember that I had alcohol - An experience of a lifetime, or was it?
Thinking/Worrying, what is it? A thin line?
Sometimes it feels the world is falling apart for you. You cry like a kid even though you know it's not going to help. You try to think but it seems that your brain has emptied and there is no thought formation. You try to rationalize and all that comes out of it is irrationality you first started out with. It seems you have no more road in front of you. It seems you are standing at the top of a cliff and you say to yourself "This is IT" ...
I had sent the above lines to my friend for review, and she said, "Actually, first your mind will be flooded by a thousand thoughts when you try to make sense out of something that you will not know which one to take and which one to leave and then after this flooding you will reach the state of no thought formation, not before that". I thought for few minutes and I replied back to her as " yeah you are right, I have gone through what you said many times !!!"
But it got me thinking, it had happened to me a few times, but in actuality, I am not flooded by a thousand thoughts every time I try to think. I started putting up all my good and bad experiences in life so far, trying to remember the time when I was flooded by thoughts, and not to my surprise, I did not get many, not even close to five.
I realized that, I don't make sense, even for a minute, when I try to think. When I try to think, all I do is curse myself for whatever I have done which leads to self loathing and there I stop thinking and that's it. So is this what is called thinking? If not what is this? And why did I reply back the way I did? Well that's a different story altogether.
Finally after a long contemplation, came to the conclusion that I cannot think, I mean I cannot think rationally at all. I used to think that, I think too much and that is my biggest problem in life but the actual problem is, it's worrying and not thinking that I do. So all the thoughts I thought I was thinking are actually gibberish which make my thoughts empty...
So, trying hard to segregate thinking from worrying which will make life much simpler !!! is it not? :)
I had sent the above lines to my friend for review, and she said, "Actually, first your mind will be flooded by a thousand thoughts when you try to make sense out of something that you will not know which one to take and which one to leave and then after this flooding you will reach the state of no thought formation, not before that". I thought for few minutes and I replied back to her as " yeah you are right, I have gone through what you said many times !!!"
But it got me thinking, it had happened to me a few times, but in actuality, I am not flooded by a thousand thoughts every time I try to think. I started putting up all my good and bad experiences in life so far, trying to remember the time when I was flooded by thoughts, and not to my surprise, I did not get many, not even close to five.
I realized that, I don't make sense, even for a minute, when I try to think. When I try to think, all I do is curse myself for whatever I have done which leads to self loathing and there I stop thinking and that's it. So is this what is called thinking? If not what is this? And why did I reply back the way I did? Well that's a different story altogether.
Finally after a long contemplation, came to the conclusion that I cannot think, I mean I cannot think rationally at all. I used to think that, I think too much and that is my biggest problem in life but the actual problem is, it's worrying and not thinking that I do. So all the thoughts I thought I was thinking are actually gibberish which make my thoughts empty...
So, trying hard to segregate thinking from worrying which will make life much simpler !!! is it not? :)
An Act of goodness :D
It was a sunny day... went out to feel good by having a tender coconut. I got more than I had asked for.
ಒಂದು ಗಂಜಿ ಕೊಡಿ ಅಂತ ಕೇಳ್ದೆ (Asked for a tender coconut with a bit of pulp). He chopped one among the heap. Water was sweet and it felt good in the hot sun. After I drained the water, he cut opened the coconut and I was having the thick 'ಗಂಜಿ' (pulp), when he chopped another coconut and handed it to me. I was like, "ನಾನ್ ಒಂದೇ ಕೇಳಿದ್ದು" (I just asked for one) and I was overwhelmed when he said "ಅದ್ರಲ್ಲಿ ಬರಿ ಗಂಜಿ ಇತ್ತು, ನೀರು ತುಂಬ ಕಮ್ಮಿ, ಇದನ್ನ ತಗೋಳಿ" (It just had pulp no water, take this). I felt good after a very long time. And he took the money for just one coconut.
In this cynical world full of cynics, I felt blessed to be bestowed upon by an act of goodness which even I would have not considered doing. During my college days, I would get up and leave my seat whenever a pregnant woman or women with children or somebody old and feeble would be standing in bus. Nowadays, while travelling by bus I just gaze out of the window and not even look on the other side in order to avoid giving up my seat. In my defense I say to myself "Oh come on, it has been a long day and I am tired too" but whatever the reason it does not feel right and my conscience hurts.
I hope that I shall not turn into a total cynic because there are people out there like the coconut vendor who are still doing GOOD :)
Thoughts of a Fool
I was thinking ... Kept thinking ... And then finally decided to start blogging.
I did not know what I could put down in my blog. You see, as Joey says in "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" - "It seems I don't have enough thoughts to think about", it seems that, I too don't have anything substantial to write about (BTW I am huge fan of FRIENDS :P). But, its my dream to be an 'accomplished' writer someday :P. So, I thought - "let me start by putting down whatever teeny weeny thoughts I have on to the virtual paper atleast" :P and here I am. ( Hoping that, I will continue this seriously as its my habit to delete everything. Till now, I have created and deleted maybe some 5 blogs). Hence, I request you all to read my blog ( meaning, bear my words ) and be my critics so that I can fulfill my dream one day :P ...
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